| (no subject) |
[Sep. 22nd, 2006|05:32 pm] |
Every time I think of you
I feel a shot right through with a bolt of blue
It's no problem of mine
But it's a problem I find
Living a life that I can't leave behind
But there's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of the fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes
And it's what nobody knows
Well every day my confusion grows
Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You say the words that I can say
I feel fine and I feel good
I'm feeling like I never should
Whenever I get this way
I just don't know what to say
Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday
I'm not sure what this could mean
I don't think you're what you seem
I do admit to myself
That if I hurt someone else
Then I'll never see just what we're meant to be
Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You say the words that I can say |
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| Stupid freaking song stuck in my HEAD! |
[Sep. 1st, 2006|05:55 pm] |
 |
Nikki took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Desires a tranquil, peaceful state of harmony offe..."
Click here to read the rest of the results.
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Amazing that most of that was actually fairly true...craaaazzzyyyy.... |
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| I know it's getting worse... |
[Aug. 21st, 2006|08:10 pm] |
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I'm so sick of all this all ready. I think during my hiatus from work and school I need to go back into isolation. For fucking real... |
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| ouch |
[Aug. 16th, 2006|07:54 am] |
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I have the bigget fucking blister on the side of my foot EVER. and I'm sunburned on my shoulders and chest. And I'm SO TOTALLY EXHAUSTEEEDDD. And I'm not getting a break for a WHILE from this insanity. UGHHH MAKE IT ALL SLOW DOWN SOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| Some form of happiness has fallen on me if not for a brief moment... |
[Aug. 13th, 2006|11:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  indescribable | ] |
| [ | music |
| | TMBA-Berlin | ] |
God, this song used to rock my world...lol totally not the BEST Berlin song but it is the song that got me interested in them alllll those years ago :-p.
************************************************************************
Watching every motion
In my foolish lover's game
On this endless ocean
Finally lovers know no shame
Turning and returning
To some secret place inside
Watching in slow motion
As you turn around and say
Take my breath away
Watching I keep waiting
Still anticipating love
Never hesitating
To became the fated ones
Through the hourglass I saw you
In time you slipped away,
When the mirror crashed I called you
And turned to hear you say
If only for today
I am unafraid
Take My Breath Away
Watching every motion
In this foolish lover's game
Haunted by the notion
Somewhere there's a love in flames
Turning and returning
To some secret place inside
Watching in slow motion
As you turn around and say
Take My Breath Away
***********************************************************************
A lot of stuff has been changing in my life. And right now I've just gotten out of a bad work situation, I'm doing well in school and have an overall career goal, I've managed to gain some of my self-confidence back and I have my family here with me this week (which means a lot to me). So I can actually say that at this moment I feel like I've won a battle in my internal war...I just pray that I can keep up with the flow and try to remain in a relatively neutral peaceful place...But damn it feels good to be genuinely not stressed or sad.... |
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| A long hiatus... |
[Aug. 4th, 2006|07:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  restless | ] |
Wow. I guess I've been blogging on myspace so much I totally have neglected this. And its sad b/c I have years and years of history on here. Insane half the stuff I have on here. So anyway. I swear life sort of comes around full circle sometimes and in some ways. Don't really care to dive too deep into things right now but I'm almost experiencing a strange form of de ja vu or something insane like that...ughgh. If only I could just not be so anxious about saying shit to people and just get stuff out in the open I think my life would be soo much easier and better...ugh. |
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| Weird Stuff. |
[Jul. 13th, 2006|10:50 pm] |
(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)
| × I miss somebody right now. |
× I don't watch much TV these days. |
✓ I own lots of books. |
| × I wear glasses or contact lenses. |
× I love to play video games. |
✓ I've tried marijuana. |
| × I've watched porn movies. |
× I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. |
✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy. |
| ✓ I curse sometimes. |
✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. |
× I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me. |
( it goes on... ) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 10th, 2006|10:57 pm] |
Found this quote out in internet land that totally relates to me on so many levels...as if I had written it myself (which I didnt).
"I dwell in the past and fear the future. Never in the present, too often I let my life pass by unnoticed. And in the midst of my insecurities, pessimism, stubborn independence, and over sensitivity, I am trying to find the place where I can be free." -Anon.
Talking about birth order and stuff. Being an only child can royally suck. In some ways its really good b/c you do get so many advantages as far as what your parents can offer you. But at the same time it just is really a hard position to be in. I don't know how other only children can handle everything so flawlessly. I mean, it's just mid-boggling to me. I can handle life and yet deep inside I do feel all the things that are listed up in that quote.
Not trying to be all depressive b/c that's not how my life is all the time. But that quote just hit me so close...I had to respond to it. |
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| Wow |
[Jul. 5th, 2006|03:06 pm] |
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Well I dont really update in here too much anymore it seems. Been putting blogs on my myspace so. 4th of July was decent--had to work for a short time though. Woo. Allright. I'm out |
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| mentally exhausted |
[Jun. 21st, 2006|09:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | stressed | ] |
Who's gonna tell you when
It's too late
Who's gonna tell you things
Aren't so great
You can't go on
Thinking nothing's wrong
Who's gonna drive you home tonight
Who's gonna pick you up
When you fall
Who's gonna hang it up
When you call
Who's gonna pay attention
To your dreams
Who's gonna plug their ears
When you scream
Who's gonna hold you down
When you shake
Who's gonna come around
When you break |
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| Bored |
[Jun. 10th, 2006|07:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | HEEREEE | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bored | ] |
So I've been looking through my archives and found this. Which I did four years ago. So I'm gonna do it again. Updated. LoL.
I am not: going to be doing anything fun tonight if I don't get off my ass and call people.
I hurt: when I twist my freaking knee every time I do some kind of sport!
I love: watching stupid SNL skits
I hate: really dirty bathrooms
I fear: the future
I hope: that I will end up doing SOMETHING tonight
I crave: hah I can't even list
I regret: nothing
I cry: too much lately
I care: about my family and close friends
I always: think too much
I long: to go to Germany
I feel alone: right now
I listen: to my IPOD in the car every single freaking day. It's GREAT!
I hide: lots of stuff from lots of people<---that was true then, is true now
I drive: a 97 silver Honda Civic LX
I sing: in the car. loudly.
I dance: when I get a chance to go to a club in Germany or something. Havent been in a while
I write: on myspace way too much
I breathe: in dirty delaware air
I play: with my ipod
I miss: being overseas
I search: for happiness
I learn: about kids and how to be an affective teacher
I feel: bored and frustrated
I know: that tomorrow I'll be doing something
I say: "Oh looook....ovaah theeeree..."
I succeed: in totally beating myself up
I fail: at saying what I'm feeling sometimes
I dream: about the day I get to go back to Germany
I wonder: why people aren't calling me back?!
I want: to get out of my freaking apartment
I worry: that I won't be successful in life
I wish: i were anywhere but here
I have: dsl now. woo
I give: people headaches
I fight: with my parents sometimes
I wait: to see what i might be doing later
I need: a drink |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 8th, 2006|11:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
I'm all out of hope
One more bad dream could bring a fall
When I'm far from home
Don't call me on the phone
To tell me you're alone
It's easy to deceive
It's easy to tease
But hard to get release
I spend so much time
Believing all the lies
To keep the dream alive
Now it makes me sad
It makes me mad at truth
For loving what was you
(Les yeux sans visage) eyes without a face
(Les yeux sans visage) eyes without a face
(Les yeux sans visage) eyes without a face
Got no human grace your eyes without a face
When you hear the music you make a dip
Into someone else's pocket then make a slip
Steal a car and go to Las Vegas oh, the gigolo pool
I'm on a bus on a psychedelic trip
Reading murder books tryin' to stay hip
I'm thinkin' of you you're out there so
Say your prayers
Say your prayers
Say your prayers
Now I close my eyes
And I wonder why
I don't despise
Now all I can do
Is love what was once
So alive and new
But it's gone from your eyes
I'd better realise
Such a human waste your eyes without a face
And now it's getting worse |
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| Musings |
[Jun. 3rd, 2006|09:52 pm] |
Why can't I just utter the words I need to say. Why am I mute. I am a captive of my own mind and body. Why do I fear everything so much. Why can't I just go with the flow and see where the wind leads me. Why do I try to control fate. Why do I second guess or guess at all. What logic is there in that. I'm not a terrible person. I'm not hideous looking. So what's my problem. Why is there an issue. Where there doesn't need to be one. And why do I sit here and suffer in silence when just opening my mouth can release this stress I've been dealing with that has just grown to enormous proportions. I need to just be me. I need to do and say as I am. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. |
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| Its juunneee |
[Jun. 1st, 2006|01:40 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | here | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nostalgic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Bizarre Love Triangle--New Order | ] |
I've written a random thought epic. But I dont think it's timely to put it on here. That and its not totally complete. I want to get back into writing so bad. It helped me express everrythinnnggg. Anyway.
*****************************************************************
Every time I think of you
I feel a shot right through with a bolt of blue
It's no problem of mine
But it's a problem I find
Living a life that I can't leave behind
But there's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of the fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes
And it's what nobody knows
Well every day my confusion grows
Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You say the words that I can say
I feel fine and I feel good
I'm feeling like I never should
Whenever I get this way
I just don't know what to say
Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday
I'm not sure what this could mean
I don't think you're what you seem
I do admit to myself
That if I hurt someone else
Then I'll never see just what we're meant to be
Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You say the words that I can say
**************************************************************
Five years ago this time of year. I remember Maria and I driving down South Street rocking a remix version of that song. And how everything was perfect and not perfect at the same time. I was looking through some old stuff at my parents house the other day and found a printed out sheet of paper with those lyrics on it from sometime in February 2001. I remember the position I was in at that time. I was running my life away. And working out. And dating my first jerk. And yet, even though I remember being so upset over him when I found out he cheated on me, I ended up getting into my first serious relationship soon after. And since then life's been totally different in so many ways. I look back and see how my mind had totally taken over me when I read my first few livejournal entries. And after all that has happened I think it's so amazing at who I've remained friends with. The fact that my friend Bill was that first "serious" boyfriend just seems so crazy. And I'm so lucky to have kept a good friend in him. He really was there for me so much more than any 18 year old guy should have to be for his girlfriend.So b/c its the first day of my favorite month of the year I just remembered how amazing it was to rock out to a song that had so much meaning to me. And remembering hanging out with my friend Maria and making margharitas and listening to that insane mixed cd I had going around at the time. Meemmorrieeeessss. Senior Week. And driving up and down rt 13 in Dewey blasting my music. And the times on the upstairs deck. And the last night of senior week and watching the sun come up. I can't believe I let depression put a damper on all that. It was absolutely amazing. So yea. Whenever I hear that song it reminds me of good and bad times. And the song runs in cycles in my life. Always seems to pertain to my life at given times. A freaking 80s synth-pop band song. Seriously.
Time for bed!! |
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| passing the time.... |
[May. 24th, 2006|07:57 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | here | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Young Americans | ] |
I'm just passing the time before I head off to meet my friend Comfort at the movies. We're seeing DaVinci Code. Heard mixed reviews from both people and critics, but in any case it sounds and looks interesting enough to make me not want to walk out. So that means a decent night of entertainment for me. Wooo.
Worked out again today. Tomorrow will be my day off in between. Have class. With the craziest professor in the world. Which makes it just that much more interesting!! I need to finish some work for it though; although it really shouldnt be too hard or big of a deal.
Tonight's the first night I actually literally really prepared myself a meal. Crazy stuff. I think my eating habits are in a bad place, and although my appetite has been much lower and I don't need to eat as much (sometimes not at all), its not healthy to just neglect meals altogether. I need to at least keep nutrients in me. So tonight I made myself eat something well-rounded. And for some reason now I'm hungry again. Not gooood!!!
Ok well. It's 8pm. And I told Comfort I'd meet her at Peoples Plaza at 8:30. So I guess I'm going to go get myself finalized and I need to stop to get cash on the way anyway. So might as well get going now...
Later. |
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| Way too much energy for almost midnight |
[May. 23rd, 2006|11:48 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Shock the Monkey | ] |
Ok so I have NO idea what's come over me this afternoon and evening but I'm so totally wired up. I mean, you'd think b/c I worked out earlier and stuff I'd be more exhausted. No freaking WAY! I'm just so bouncy right now! That and for the last half hour I keep finding things that just surprise the crap out of me!
So yea, I dropped a wad of cash to have my hair color brought up to code and yet I'm so totally happy I did it. I needed to do something like that. I think every girl, if she can afford it, should try to spoil themselves at least a few times a year with something like that. Now all I need is a pedicure and a massage and I'll be set to go for summer. That and the fact that I'm getting into a real serious workout regime has totally boosted my energy. Finally. After YEARS of feeling sluggish I have fucking energy!! WOOO!!
Ok well. I need to try to calm myself down enough so I can actually go to sleep. Laters. |
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| De Ja Vu... |
[May. 20th, 2006|01:28 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
| [ | music |
| | that song i put the lyrics up for | ] |
Every little thing that you say or do
I'm hung up
I'm hung up on you
Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I'm fed up
I'm tired of waiting on you
Time goes by so slowly for those who wait
No time to hesitate
Those who run seem to have all the fun
I'm caught up
I don't know what to do
Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly
I don't know what to do
Every little thing that you say or do
I'm hung up
I'm hung up on you
Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I'm fed up
I'm tired of waiting on you
Every little thing that you say or do
I'm hung up
I'm hung up on you
Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I'm fed up
I'm tired of waiting on you
Ring ring ring goes the telephone
The lights are on but there's no-one home
Tick tick tock it's a quarter to two
And I'm done
I'm hanging up on you
I can't keep on waiting for you
I know that you're still hesitating
Don't cry for me
'cause I'll find my way
you'll wake up one day
but it'll be too late
Every little thing that you say or do
I'm hung up
I'm hung up on you
Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I'm fed up
I'm tired of waiting on you |
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| Wie kann ich alles besser machen? |
[May. 16th, 2006|04:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crappy | ] |
Warum merk ich so viele sachen. Und warum denk ich immer ueber was nicht ist. Meiner Leben ist nicht so schlecht, und ich muess mich verinnern an was gut ist. Ich will eine chance haben.
My German royally sucks. That's what I get for not being around enough native speakers in the past year. Oh well. What can I do?
I don't know why I'm letting myself get this way. I held my ground so strong back the other month when things were really going down the crapper. And now life really isn't all that bad, and yet I'm just totally not with it. I'm totally somewhere else. Wanting things to still be different. Why? Why do I need stuff to be so different? Why can't I just let myself relax and be happy.
I bet you half of this shit is b/c I had soy milk in my mac and cheese this afternoon! LOL but seriously, I'm somewhat allergic to soy, and so that wasn't the best idea for me probably. B/c now I feel like complete shit and am so fucking depressed for no reason at all. Maybe I should just go lay down some. Yea, that's what I think I'll do. |
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| My mind! |
[May. 16th, 2006|04:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  uncomfortable | ] |
It's a god-awful small affair
To the girl with the mousy hair
But her mummy is yelling "No"
And her daddy has told her to go
But her friend is nowhere to be seen
Now she walks through her sunken dream
To the seat with the clearest view
And she's hooked to the silver screen
But the film is a saddening bore
For she's lived it ten times or more
She could spit in the eyes of fools
As they ask her to focus on
Sailors fighting in the dance hall
Oh man! Look at those cavemen go
It's the freakiest show
Take a look at the Lawman
Beating up the wrong guy
Oh man! Wonder if he'll ever know
He's in the best selling show
Is there life on Mars?
It's on Amerika's tortured brow
That Mickey Mouse has grown up a cow
Now the workers have struck for fame
'Cause Lennon's on sale again
See the mice in their million hordes
From Ibeza to the Norfolk Broads
Rule Britannia is out of bounds
To my mother, my dog, and clowns
But the film is a saddening bore
'Cause I wrote it ten times or more
It's about to be writ again
As I ask you to focus on
Sailors fighting in the dance hall
Oh man! Look at those cavemen go
It's the freakiest show
Take a look at the Lawman
Beating up the wrong guy
Oh man! Wonder if he'll ever know
He's in the best selling show
Is there life on Mars? |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 14th, 2006|11:40 pm] |
Watch these pictures running through my head
Laughing, I'm laughing, I'm crying |
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anxious